The Enterprise's Crew Goes Cuckoo!
by Parodoxical Shift
Summary: Usually, the Enterprises crew stays "calm and collective" in crisis. This time, you can see what happens when the coffee intake of the crew gets a little too high, and the brain cell count gets a little too low. COMPLETE NOW!
1. Chapter 1

The Enterprise gets destroyed at last

The Enterprise's crew going cuckoo

I do not own anything in this story.

Jean Luc Picard sat back in his big pink fluffy chair, smoking one of Data's cigarettes. Just then, the very annoying doorbell rang, and two figures entered. "Here's your package," one of the two announced. "Hope you enjoy it."

"Ah," Picard replied. "Thank you."

Five minutes later, Jean Luc Picard arrived on the Bridge in a pink fluffy leotard with a tutu and plastic slip-on Disney Princess shoes.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Commander Riker was feeling very bored. He had just run through every program in the holodecks (down to the last minute), and he had just ran out of ideas. So at this minute, he was sitting in someone's 2013 living room, waiting for the television to stop talking.

Then, he got a great idea. Creeping out into the hallway, he headed straight for the turbolift. "I want to go to Main Engineering!" he yelled at the computer, then yelled, "Stop!" After much thought, he yelled again, "I want to go to the bridge; no, Deck 6; no, Decks 4,5,6,7, and 8; no, the Captain's Ready Room; no, the Ten Forward; no, Main Engineering; no, the Observation Lounge; no, the…"

By this time, Riker had already suffered several concussions due to the fact that the turbolift was bouncing up and down. After around an hour, he finally, hoarse from all the yelling, croaked "Wherever the main engine is located!" then he collapsed from the many bruises he had suffered.

When the turbolift opened and Riker finally woke up, he raced over to an engine, and started pulling it all apart. "Mwahahahahah," he mumbled dreamily.

Back on the Bridge, Picard, in his little pink leotard, was just about to sit down when Chief Engineer Geordi La Forge contacted him. "Captain, we are dropping out of warp power. Also, the engine is mumbling."

"Send Commander Riker up to investigate this anomaly." Picard replied.

Down in the control room, a dreamy "Mwahahahahah" was echoing softly though the engines.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Chapter 3

At 400 hours, Lt. Commander Data was the only crew member on the Bridge. He was sitting at Ops, doing random things with the computer since no one would ever find out. After playing several old 21st century computer games, he decided to play around with the new program he had developed: the Fruit Ability.

At 800 hours, Captain Jean-Luc Picard with his pink leotard entered the Bridge, followed by a rather sleepy Commander Riker who had just finished a trip to the Sick Bay. Without focusing on anything in particular, Picard said, "Mr. Data, status report."

"Everything is fine," the watermelon replied. "Could you please water me?"

"WHAT!?" Captain Picard roared, twirling around like a ballerina. Immediately, he saw a large, plump, ripe watermelon nestled at Ops.

"Could you please water me, sir?" the watermelon repeated.

Stunned, Picard stood there for a minute. Then he pressed his communicator. "Picard to Sick Bay. We have a medical emergency. Commander Data has been transfigured into a large watermelon. Picard out."

"That looks delicious," Riker muttered. "Maybe for lunch?"

"Number One, that is Lt. Commander Data!" Picard bellowed.

"I thought he looked green," Riker mumbled, his head falling backwards against the seat. Then he snored.

In the Sick Bay, Dr. Crusher was having trouble fitting the watermelon into the stretcher. "Damn it, it keeps on rolling off," she complained.

"Perhaps you would like a more suitable shape?" inquired the watermelon. Abruptly, it changed into a banana.

"Crusher to Bridge," Dr. Crusher announced into her communicator. "Commander Data is now a banana."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Captain Jean-Luc Picard of the Federation Starship USS Enterprise was standing on the Bridge, feeling pretty good about himself. He had bought a new ballerina outfit, plus he had just completed a successful mission of turning his Second Officer/watermelon/banana back into an android. So he commanded, "Ensign, take us to Starbase 202. Warp 2."

"Sir, warp engines are not responding."

Perplexed and angry, Picard pressed his communicator. "Picard to Engineering. Geordi, what is wrong with the warp engines?"

"Atwhay areway ouyay alkingtay aboutway? Ey'rethay inefay." the somewhat static response came.

"Excuse me?" Picard barked. "Commander, I command you to speak in regular languages."

"Iway amway. Isthay anguagelay isway IGPAY ATINLAY."

"Worf, run that through all translators IMMEDIATELY! I can't have one of my crew talking in some kind of foreign language."

"Running through translators now."

A few seconds later, Worf replied, "Pig Latin. Translation-"

"WHAT!?"

At Ops, Commander Data swiveled around in his chair. (I recommend you skip this part) "Pig Latin is an English language game where the initial consonant sound of an English word is placed at the end and an ay is affixed to both obfuscate the encoding and to indicate for the intended recipient the encoding as 'Pig Latin'. The reference to Latin is a deliberate misnomer, used only for its English connotations as a 'strange and foreign-sounding language'. It is not known exactly where this language originated, or from whom, but has become popular talk. In Britain this term more often applies to the type of backslang used by the criminals of 19th century London and used as a playground game today, which was based on turning words backwards), or Butcher's Backslang which-"

"Data, that's ENOUGH!" Picard roared.

"Captain, I am just-"

"DATA, SHUT UP!"

Seething, Picard pressed his communicator. "Bridge to Engineering. GEORDI, WILL YOU SPEAK ENGLISH!"

A pause. Then, "But Captain, I am experimenting with-"

"RIGHT NOW!"

Geordi screamed back, "OKAY! BUT I'M NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT! YOU SHOULD BE REPORTED IMMEDIATELY!

Picard hollered back just as loud, "GET US TO WARP 2 IMMEDIATELY!"

Down in Engineering, Geordi, fuming, was making the necessary arrangement. Then he came up with a brilliant idea. One that would completely knock the Captain pants off.

Five minutes later, a huge jolt that was felt on the whole ship knocked Captain Picard out of his bed.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Lt. Worf was fuming. "Why do I have to attend this ship run by HUMANS who never even THINK of fighting?" he growled.

Pacing the length of his room, he continued muttering to himself when his comm badge beeped. "Lieutenant Worf, report to the Bridge."

"Arr!" Worf bellowed. "Those humans; think they can rule everyone." He walked to the turbolift, complaining all the way.

On the Bridge, Captain Picard was wondering why Worf was so late. Then a noise interrupted his train of thought.

"ARRRHUGH!"

Letting out a high-pitched scream, the respectful Picard dived underneath the Captain's chair, and knelt, cowering, there. The so-called handsome Riker followed suit, squeezing himself under Science Station 2, bonking his head in the process. Ensign Wesley Crusher screamed, "The Bogeymen!" and Lt. Commander Data replied, "Most intriguing. What are you referring-" Then Lt. Worf emerged from the turbolift, his yellow uniform disheveled, his short, curly hair a mess, and his face expressing a look of utmost rage, which changed to surprise as he noticed that everyone was staring at him.

"Good morning, Lieutenant Worf," Data greeted the perplexed Klingon.

"Where is Captain Picard and Commander Riker? And I don't have to answer your question seeing that you're a cheap Lego™ toy that some over-enthusiastic child made."

"Ah, Worf!" Captain Picard exclaimed, talking over Data who was about to respond to his insult. "We have had a distress call from a Federation Class Starship near the Romulan Neutral Zone."

"Kill all the Romulans nearby. They're garbage, anyways." Worf responded calmly.

"No, Lieutenant. That could mean a war between the Federation and the Romulans. Besides, that would be violating the Prime Directive and damaging my new ballerina costume."

"But Captain, these are Romulans we are talking about."

"Yeah, Captain," Riker agreed, getting out from under the station he had been hiding at, with a huge bump on his head. "Or we could even spray water on them to show them who's in charge."

"That would be violating the Prime Directive, Number One!" Picard barked. "Now Ensign, take us to the distress signal at warp 5."  
"Sir, wouldn't water balloons-"

"Commander Data, ETA?"

"Three hours, fifteen minutes, and wouldn't water guns-"

"NO!"

Three hours later, the debris from a ship came into view. "Jean-Luc Picard, I request permission to fire phasers at all angles to detect Romulan warbirds or battle cruisers that are cloaked." Worf growled.

"Request denied."

Immediately, phaser shots went off.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Chief Medical Officer Beverly Crusher was in her office, bored. _The same ailments are treated all the time with the same result and diagnosis,_ she thought. _Why can't we just malfunction some devices on purpose_? Then she came up with a brilliant idea.

Next, some guy came in with a broken arm. Taking out her tricorder, Dr. Crusher decided to try this out. "You have a broken arm," she informed her patient. "Tie this arm to a tree branch, and go to sleep for a week. When you have finished, come back to me, and I'll give you a new branch."

"Dr. Crusher, report to the Bridge."

"You have a stomachache," she responded pleasantly. "Drink some tea."

"WHAT!? DR. CRUSHER, REPORT TO THE BRIDGE, DAMMIT!"

"Ah! You also have a headache, apparently. A nice sleep will help."

"I DO NOT NEED TO REST, THANK YOU VERY MUCH! I NEED YOU ON THE BRIDGE NOW!" Captain Picard's voice roared over the communicator.

Five minutes later, Dr. Crusher and Picard were arguing. "I THINK THAT YOU ARE INCAPABLE OF BEING CAPTAIN! I RELIEVE YOU IMMEDIATELY!

"WELL, I THINK THAT YOU ARE INCAPABLE OF BEING A MEDICAL OFFICER! I RELIEVE YOU IMMEDIATELY!"

"YOU ARE INCAPABLE OF RLIEVING ME! I HAVE ALREADY RELIEVED YOU!"

"WELL, YOU ARE INCAPABLE OF RELIEVING ME SINCE YOU ARE ALREADY RELIEVED!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"YOU'RE DIRTYING MY BALLERINA OUTFIT!

Commander Data whirled around in his chair at Ops. "Captain, we have arrived at Starbase 75897697."

Acting Ensign Wesley Crusher called from Conn, "And we're about to crash into it."

"STANDARD ORBIT!"


End file.
